I make lists. It’s what I do. I love stationary and planning and writing lists and feeling productive. That’s the key word there – feeling productive.
Of course, I’m not actually productive. No. If I was productive I wouldn’t still be trying to finish last year’s advent calendar that I originally started sewing about 12 months ago.
I am a serial procrastinator, and my YouTube history says a lot about that. I think I must contribute to about a third of all the hours watched on YouTube every day. They give out those Gold Play Buttons for 1 million subscribers reached, well I’m expecting my Gold Pause Button for reaching “1 million hours watched” and a gentle plea for me to go out and get a life, or at least come and sit in the Google offices and be paid to watch over content.
Are you happy now? I said it. My name is Chloe Rudd and I have a problem. I make too many lists and watch too much YouTube. And my lists get longer and my YouTube addiction gets stronger.
But the first steps to getting over the problem is admitting it, right?
“How much of a procrastinator can one successful 21-year-old human be?” I hear you ask! Well let me take you on a journey through my to-do list:
- Finish making the jacket (This jacket I began making in 2012 and has sat, pinned together in a box since then.)
- Fix Grandma’s overlocker (I tried once, and failed.)
- Watch [enter 1 of the 42 movies on my list] (Says the girl who rarely watches movies.)
- Finish advent calendar (Maybe we can use it for 2016 advent instead of 2015?)
- Give out Disney gifts (I’ve been home since August.)
- Read [enter the title of one of the books sitting on my desk] (Most were purchased at least 2 years ago and have yet to be opened.)
- Alter those shorts (That I bought in Walmart in 2013 and have no intention of ever wearing again.)
I’m going to stop there because I’m just making myself sad. But the list goes on, currently spread across 14 post-it notes and an A4 piece of paper.
I hate having a to-do list. It feels like a burden of unfinished business I carry around with me. I think it literally took moving to Florida for 3 months to realise how much fun life was without worrying about completing tasks.
I make the things on my list a chore because they are on my list. And then I think “Oh no, I can’t do that yet because I really need to finish this first.” Even this website has been in my bookmarks for a good few years. I’m not even joking.
Even now I’m looking at this list and I secretly know that I will never get around to doing half the stuff, and all the unimportant stuff crowds up the page and I lose sight of the important things that are valuable and will be beneficial to my life. I almost know the tasks off by heart, I have transferred them so many times from one list to another, from one app to the next, from a calendar to a white board and back again.
I’m holding onto things in the hope that I might actually do them, but in reality I never will because they are not essential or fun.
I think I need to be a little bit ruthless and a little bit more realistic with these lists. Is it really a burden that I haven’t seen all the Rocky movies? Is my life going to be ruined forever if I don’t learn how to roller skate? How ever will I survive if I don’t finish reading the complete works of Edgar Allan Poe?
This is nonsense. I need to prioritise my life better, or better yet – burn all my lists! If it’s essential I’m sure I’ll see it and do it. If I need to write it down then maybe it doesn’t need to be done at all?
So, Chloe. Wake up. You’re not going to reply to that email from 2014, you’re not going to complete Assassin’s Creed and you’re not going to set up a Depop shop – and I don’t even know why I’ve got a note that just says “booze” and “elbow.”
You’re wasting your life on planning it.